Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Getting information when stuck in traffic

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 2).]

“Put in on ‘scan,’” Chloe suggested. Finally the radio found an EBS station and Amanda locked it in.

"What's an EBS station?" Amanda asked.

"Emergency Broadcast System station," Buck said.

Chloe spoke while looking at her smartphone, "Wikipedia says that the EBS is defunct, and has been replaced by the Emergency Alert System."

"Dear God, what is that thing?" Buck asked in shock.

"This is a phone, it does almost anything you can think of except for make calls." For a moment there was silence, then Chloe added, "It says here that the attack on Washington probably wasn't nuclear, the Egyptian army was bombed while out for a stroll, and something about the potato's plane."

"Potentate," Rayford corrected.

"I know, but the article says 'potato'," Chloe explained.

"Well he does kind of look like a potato in a suit," Amanda said. Everyone looked at her. "I can't be the only one who thinks that." No one said anything. "Can I?"

"I always thought like that he looked like Robert Redford, circa The Sting maybe, more than Mr. Potatohead," Chloe said.

-

The Fight in the Nike Center

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 2).]
[Because the terminology really is silly. The missile project was decommissioned in the first half of the 1970s, the shoes are still around.]

“Global Community peacekeeping forces immediately retaliated by destroying a former Nike center in suburban Chicago. The fight in the Super Shopping Center was described as epic, though some onlooker's thought that the action had been 'nerfed', perhaps referring to the weapons used, which were stolen by the resistance and liberated by the GC forces from a nearby store.

"Reports indicate that the resistance forces 'pwned' and there were zero casualties."

-

[Seriously, "Nike base" at least sounds vaguely military, but "Nike center" sounds like a store. How can Jerry Jenkins not realize that most people think shoes instead of missiles when they hear "Nike"?]

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A News Report on WWIII and Terminology

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[Mostly in a response to how exposition about the reworking of the world was worked into a news report about the start of World War III from a reporter live on the ground in the smoking remains of Washington D.C.]

"Washington lies in ruins,” he said. “The massive assault was launched by local militia who apparently had help from the UK and Egypt." There was a pause. "Ok. You know what? I don't care that that's not what they're-" Another pause. "Do you have any fucking idea what just happened? Washington was-" A third pause. "Maybe terminology isn't the most important thing right now you heartless-" The fourth pause was the longest of all. Chloe wondered if they had lost the station, but then the correspondent returned. "My boss would like me to tell you that the United Kingdom and Egypt no longer exist. It would be more accurate to call them regions of the United States of Britain and the Middle Eastern Commonwealth."

The correspondent sighed, "In other news, there's a bus full of charred bodies two feet to my left. How many bodies? I don't know because they're not exactly intact. It's hard to say which piece goes with which body and thus I wasn't really able to make a proper count of them. Apparently the deaths of these people were less important than the nomenclature of where the attackers' assistance came from.

"I'm going to look for survivors now. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you're safe. Signing off."

-

Thursday, December 1, 2011

A World Without God - Strike Me Down

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 8).]
[Note that "fearless leader" is a codename (because if you can't find humor in your codenames, where can you?), the narrator is so used to using it that even though there is no reason for it anymore, that's still what he says.]

Hello darkness, my old friend.

The Antichrist is dead, and it brings me no joy. I slept through the whole ordeal. I know that it was one of the most important moments in human history. I know that we saw it coming years ago so I can't say I wasn't given advanced warning. But there's this whole time difference thing and I was tired.

I saw what happened anyway. Had a vision. The'd set up the stage for the event in a closed box of bullet proof glass. That's what they called it anyway, but to my eyes it seemed more like bullet resistant multilayered plastic of some kind. Locks on the doors that were electronic and supposedly unpickable, which is impossible but they've never been known for their humility or honesty.

So there was Declan, largely undisputed ruler of the world, cut off from all of humanity. Even his security forces were left outside of the enclosure. The perfect time for an assassination. Sure enough, this was the time Fearless Leader chose to strike.

He was trusted enough to get close, involved enough in the preparations to move his weapon in ahead of time, and apparently knew how to bork an electronic lock. For three and a half years he'd been within an arm's reach of Declan and been forced to do nothing, knowing that Declan was protected. Occasionally having to step around the charred remains of those who tried to kill Declan too soon, reminded, he once told me, by the smell of burned flesh of why he had to stay his hand.

He never said anything about it, but I know that sometimes he wanted to try anyway. We've all had times we didn't want to face another day, and if you're going to die who wouldn't want their last act to be trying to kill the Antichrist? I assume that what stopped him was the knowledge that one day it could be done, one day Declan's protection would lapse.

He'd been waiting for this day, you could hear it in his voice every time he talked about a failed assassination attempt or people wanting to take more direct action. It's a shame it didn't go down the way he wanted.

Fearless got inside the safe space, Declan turned off the microphones. He didn't want anyone but his killer to hear what he had to say. Some of us have visions you dumb fuck. And what he had to say was unexpected for someone facing death by katana.

He said, "I was starting to think you'd never come." It wasn't false bravado, it wasn't a lack of understanding of what was happening. It was calm with a hint of annoyed impatience. Fearless Leader faltered.

Declan was still facing the controls for the sound system. "Come now, I'm ready."

My contact, my boss, my friend, was confused. He clearly didn't know what to think. He tried to regain his resolve, he said, "You're not going to talk your way out of this," but it was less a statement of fact than a desire. Like shouting, 'You can't trick me,' when you're not convinced the other person is lying. His tone revealed his uncertainty.

Declan explained, in that condescending way that he does. "Did you think it was an accident I kept you around these last years? Did you think it was divine providence that the only interpretation of your religion that made it passed my censors was the one that said I would die now? Did you think it was God who arranged for you to be in a position to steal that sword from a museum? Did you think I left the security outside this one time out of pure coincidence? I want this.

"A year ago, a month ago, even ten days ago I would have fought this tooth and nail. I wasn't ready then. There were preparations yet to be made. But now... oh but now I'm ready. The world is ready." Can a vast network of disgusting fleshy tendrils stretching throughout the globe like a web of ick and nerve fiber be said to purr? I think it can. I think it can and I think it did. I think that the network of cancerous material that's made its way thorough our sewers and storm drains, that lies hidden in our walls, that grows in our infrastructure and makes it's way through our cords and electronics and toasters heard what Declan said and responded.

I think it knew that this was the reason it had been set to grow, this day was its purpose. And I think it knew something akin to joy and expectation.

Declan faced my friend, opened his arms wide, and said, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." No. Just, no. The most evil thing to crawl out of the depths of nightmares in the whole of human history should not be allowed to quote Obi Wan Kenobi.

Fearless said, "I hate you," and put away his sword.

"You're going to do it."

"If you want to die, kill your own damn self." He walked toward the door and started trying to break the covering off the lock's electronics by bashing it with the hilt. Probably not the best solution, but given time it was clear that either he or the security team outside, desperately trying to get in all this time, would open the door.

"You will kill me."

"If you'd wanted me to do it, you shouldn't have told me it would be helping you."

"Now where would the fun in that be? You're going to do it, and you're going to do it knowing that it's what I want, that it's part of my plan. Power is the ability to make people will what they do not wish."

And my friend turned back to the Antichrist. "Only you would quote Atreus."

"But Atreus realized too late that it would have been all the sweeter if his brother knew what he had been doing as he did it. I'm not that shortsighted. When this is over I will have no regrets. You will do it knowing what you do. You will execute my plan."

And Fearless Leader turned away. "No, I won't."

"The Hebron Reeducation center."

And suddenly Fearless was in a state of noticeable terror. His voice remained calm, his body did not. The absolute stillness of the rest of him contrasted the racing of his heart, and the look in his eyes was one of purest dread. His voice remained emotionless as he asked, "What about it?"

"It's nothing much, just a facility for holding the children of dissidents. Only a few hundred children, ages ranging from 15 and a half to 21 and two months."

"I know that," Fearless snapped, "What about it?"

"You're planning a rescue. You're planning to use the distraction that comes from killing me to get them all out without a single casualty. It's a good plan. It will work. If you follow the plan. Or you could let me live, the high explosives I've wired throughout the reeducation center will go off, and your worthless little children will die.

"Then I'll find someone else to kill me and ascend to godhood later."

Fearless turned back to Declan, One hand on the hilt, the other on the scabbard, still unsure of what to do.

Declan continued, "I don't care what happens to those pathetic creatures, you can take them. They'll be killed along with the rest of you anyway. But it doesn't matter what I care about. You care. That's why you're going to do what I want now, and that's why your side will lose in the end.

"The explosives are wired to a heart monitor, they will go off if my heart is sti-"

The blade didn't quite cut through Declan's skull, and it didn't quite break through it. It did something between the two. A mess of brain and bone.

Not long afterward, the security team finally overrode the supposedly unbeatable electronic lock. Fearless killed three of them before he died. I don't think that's bad for someone who brought a sword to a gun fight.

The raid on the reeducation center went off without a hitch. One could claim that Declan decided to keep his word for any number of reasons, I think it was because of what he said to Fearless Leader, now departed, he wanted my friend to know exactly what he was doing as he did it. He wanted him to know that he had been manipulated, know exactly the extent to which he had been manipulated, and do what the manipulator wanted him to do all the same.

And the unholy network of the earth is humming. I think Declan's plan, whatever it actually is, is working.

-

World War Three, as told in Left Behind

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 6).]

The story of Left Behind includes World War III. This is simple and straightforward enough. The deposed governments of three countries, along with local militias, will go to war with the One World Government in the mistaken belief they can win. It gets somewhat more screwy after that. Was the (former) President of the United States really planning on using nuclear weapons against New York City and Washington D.C.? Did a bomb just drop on Chicago? What's this about an old Nike base?

Some answers were found. The Nike missile instillation was a real military base at one time. Vermic did some driving and found that much of the base in question had been converted into a golf course. The resistance did threaten to go to nuclear war with New York City. By which I mean Kennedy International Airport. Because when I think, "Nuclear War," I think about targeting a specific airport.

Also, our heroes, and I use that term extremely loosely, are inconvenienced because World War III disrupts traffic in Chicago (as a result of the attack on the old Nike site that the militia had taken over to store weapons.)

Putting it all together what I think happened is this:


The militia had been hiding weapons at a golf course in Chicago.

In DC the militia attempted to take over the city.

In Chicago someone said, "Oh my God/Lucifer/Nicolae! We're at war! If it could happen there it could happen here. Quick, has anyone seen anything suspicious?"

To which someone else responded, "Well I did notice some bazookas and ICBMs at the golf course, now that you mention it."

And there was a whole back and forth about, "Ok, I see how you might not feel the need to mention bazookas, but how could you not bring up the ICBMs before now?" and the other person saying that they assumed it was just decorative.

The GC forces bravely recaptured the golf course and vanquished the militia. Someone said that that it didn't sound so impressive when you put it like that, so they said, "Well it used to be a Nike base, right? Say we vanquished them from the Nike Base."

At this point traffic was disrupted because they didn't want anyone seeing that they allowed contraband weapons to be stockpiled in plain sight on a golf course, so they declared the area too dangerous to civilians, or something.

Then the militia threatened to nuke an airport in New York, around which point the book ends, but next book Nicolae responds with, "An airport? Really? *snort* I'll take out the whole city and nine others in North America I've had my eye on. And what's all this about threats? I've already nuked London. If you're going to go nuclear, you go nuclear, you don't threaten to do it."

-

I was originally thinking that it was an old Nike site used to store weapons. As in the GC was using it and then then the the militia took it over to get the weapons. I see now that what it actually says is they took over the site to store the contraband weapons. No "used". The takeover was for the purpose of storing the weapons, the GC was not involved in the choice. So this doesn't fit at all:

There were a lot of weapons that needed to be shipped off to be stored or destroyed. Too many to ship all at once. The conversation on where to house those weapons went like this:

"I want to play golf. Do you want to play golf? I want to play golf."

"I wouldn't mind playing golf, but we've got these weapons to guard."

"Well why not keep them at the golf course?"

"I... that's... what? Are you serious?"

"Why not?"

"It doesn't sound right to say we're keeping a stockpile of weapons at a golf course." Thinks for a moment. "That golf course is an old military base right?"

"I think I heard something about that. An old Nike site or some such?"

"So we'll say we're storing the weapons in an old Nike base."

-

A note in closing. I have been told that Nicolae doesn't actually use nuclear weapons on the 10 cities in North America he said he was going to use nuclear weapons on. So, yeah. He definitely said he was going to. (And, in true Jerry Jenkins style, made it seem boring.)

-

John Galt Sparkles

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Apparently the Cullen clan has servants. This makes no sense to me as sparkle vampires shouldn't need servants. Some of the stuff servants do simply doesn't apply to them (cooking for example) much of the rest would be so easy for them as to make servants seem superfluous. Thinking about this made me realize that sparkle vampires are the only things that come to mind that can pull a Galt without having it bite them:

Sparkle Vampire: Society has collapsed, the undeserving have all died off.
Reader: Ok genius, who is going to do all the work now?
Sparkle Vampire sneers.
Reader: Ohhh... Right. As a sparkle vampire you are actually so self sufficient as to be able to live comfortably in a life of luxury when everyone else is is dead. Never mind.
Sparkle Vampire chuckles.

-

Left Behind with Edward and Bella

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]

In Left Behind there is a conversation where a character nonchalantly explains to another that a third is in a coma. When the person being told shouts out, "A coma!" the one doing the explaining says, "Like I say, we’re a little worried about him." It is also worth noting that one of the characters has been warned of the onrushing third world war, right down to which cities would be good to avoid, he has told no one.

As I was reading the dialog I came to the conclusion that it really feels like just about everyone is Edward Cullen. There is, unfortunately, a notable lack of Bella. For all her myriad faults, Bella does occasionally call out Edward for being ... well, Edward. I felt like Left Behind could use some more Bella in it.

-

“A coma!”

Edward chuckled, “Like I say, we’re a little worried about him.”

I focused my attention on my lemonade and said, "A little worried? You mean like how you'd be if your makeup started to run on a day that was turning out to be mostly cloudy instead of completely overcast, or more like you feel if someone asked my dad to to investigate the decline in the deer population and his response was, 'Maybe later,' instead of flat out, 'No'? Or is this more like an, 'I wonder if someone will notice that we're skipping school 1% more often than normal since this abnormally clear weather set in?' level of worry?"

I glanced up to see Edward's obvious amusement. I couldn't look for long because whenever I did I lost the ability to form polysyllabic sentences. I looked back at my lemonade and continued, "He's in a coma for fuck's sake. He might die. If even if he lives he might never wake up. Even if he wakes up he might never be the same. This is a big, potentially life altering problem the likes of which you and yours will never have to personally face again, and all you can muster is a little worry?"

Edward said, "I don't see why it matters. Alice said that most everyone in Chicago was going to die soon anyway."

-

The astute reader will notice that I've combined both Buck and the woman he was talking to into a single Edward Cullen. Which is kind of my point. In Left Behind, everyone is Edward Cullen.

-

This is not the first time I've felt like a character by Jenkins was saying lines that sounded like Edward. I previously did it at Ruby's 'Twas the Night Before deconstruction, but there I simply changed the names and left everything else the same.

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