I never did the donation reminder for October, you may recall that I was without a primary computer for the majority of the month and sick in a way that made it difficult to think for the rest of it.
So let's talk about things now.
I stopped by Subway on the way here and realized that it was the first time I'd had a meal since last Tuesday. A week and + some number of hours without a meal. I had, basically, handfuls of peanuts during that time since they require basically no effort I've stayed well hydrated, though this morning i found myself on the precipice of a nervous breakdown when I shattered my favorite glass that, up till then, I hadn't broken yet, so it's been more of unintentional fast than unintentional starvation, but it's still not good.
My house house degrades around me, I can never find the energy to oppose entropy. I often find myself hopeless, even the most basic things seem like tasks too large to handle. That includes getting to bed on time. Low on sleep and low on food I can become helpless in addition to hopeless.
Money still hangs over my head. I got a letter from the university billing office, haven't opened it yet but it isn't hard to guess, I owe them $967 dollars, It was due at the beginning of September, a few days more than two months ago. Also due to them is an $80 health fee.
I still haven't gotten around to order parts for the washing machine. Part of it i hopelessness, if the fix doesn't work than the money is wasted, ad the parts aren't cheap, part of it is that I only seem to remember when I can't actually do it since I need the model number and only recently wrote the damn thing down, part of it is apathy.
A big part of the reason that I'm low on money is that I've invested quite a bit toward trying to earn the meager income that will be needed to give me independence but in this state I can't put that investment to use.
Assuming ... lost my train of thought.
I think I still owe $550 toward the house from before. (Dentist is paid, yay, I accomplished the smallest of the things.) That's been hanging over my head for a good long time. Long enough that another $650 is due in mid November making the total add up to a nice neat $1200. Well, not quite because those are rounded since it's easier to remember about X50 than remembering the ones digit and the pennies.
Add in tuition and health fee and we're at $2,247 except a lot of my money these days is taken up just paying down my debts. Speaking of, the student loan people called me today (taking one credit is enough for heathcare, not enough o deffer student loans) and I have no idea why. Haven't had time to call back. It's confusing since I don't think I've missed a payment to them lately and I doubt they'd call just to say hello.
And this seems to be what I think about, when I'm able to think at all.
I never accomplish. I thank you all for the advice on non-lethal mousetraps, but I'm not ordered any. I could. A lot of my bills can't be put on a credit card but shopping for mousetraps because there's this one loud annoying one that is severely damaging my calm is what credit cards were made for and my work to pay down my debt means that I do have credit with which to pay for such things, but apathy and tired and hopeless.
I've had broken glass on a floor I walk barefoot on since the end of August. I just sort of kicked it to the side and ignored it.
I'm falling apart.
I don't like writing this woe is me shit, and I don't like asking money, but that's the only place where anyone else can help.
I need to clean up the broken glass, I need to deal with the upkeep in my house, I need to get rid of that damned mouse (all previous mice were mercifully quiet, why can't this one be?), I need to try to fix the washing machine. I need to get to work on turning the sunk money into profit or, at the very least, break even, so that I can get rid of that particular portion of my debt. I need to remember to eat (and not just remember but actually act on the idea,)
The only thing anyone else can do is offer well wishes, prayers if their the sort, and/or money. And the money is what really, really has me constantly worried. I'm getting screwed over by the regularly scheduled expenses, what the hell happens when I've burned through the heating oil?
So, since I've reached the point where I have no dignity, please (if you are able to do so without bringing hardship on yourself) give me money.