Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sunday Confessional

On Thursday a terrible secret came out.
[...] it's clear that Ana is Chris' sock account.
Then
And I'm not saying that to discount his/her views, but it's so obvious
So, I have come forward to address the rumors.

It's true.

I know, I know.  It's hard to take in.  It was hard for me at first too.  But look at the evidence.  We both come from states with horrible governors (Texas, Maine) we both have disabilities, we both believe that safe legal access to abortion should be available to women, we both appear in KristyCat's twitter feed, we're both writers, we both think that Twilight is seriously lacking in a great many ways... the details are too many to fathom.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "But she published a book and you've only ever gotten a short story."  You're thinking, "But her blog is more popular than yours."  You're thinking, "But she's married and you're not."  You're thinking, "But why would a sock account have 1,087 followers when the real one only has eleven?"  You're thinking that it doesn't make sense for me to argue based on right to life of fetus only to have a sock puppet come in and argue that right to life of fetus doesn't matter so much because look at what you're doing to the woman.  She has rights too damn it.  (I don't disagree.)

You're thinking that Texas isn't Maine.

You're thinking that a short story about a high school student who patched up her relationship with her otherkin trans* lover via ENGINEERING is different from a novel that is a retelling of Beauty and the Beast.

You're thinking about the fact that Ana once had a back and forth with Richard Dawkins while I never have.

You're thinking about age differences, differences in style, and dialect, and accent.

You're thinking that photographic, genealogical, and DNA evidence could prove we are different people whether used individually or together.

That's all bunk.

We are totally the same person.  Ana Mardoll's Ramblings is an offshoot of this blog that just happened to exist first because of a temporal thingy.  As for how Ana, my fake person identity, came to exist on this earth before me... it's hard work you  know.

Hard.

I mean, consider this statement:
Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright, then -- kidding -- And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy.
You may laugh, but compared to having your sock account person be born before you, it is too easy.  Having fake you walk the earth before real you is even conceived takes work.  And not just, "Where do I put my arms when I'm turned into a snake work," I mean real, hard, hands in the soil, toes in the temporal vortex WORK.

And then to establish your sock account's credibility you need it to have a family, and a romantic history, and a job history, and you really want it to do all this before you do because...

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

People like me, the real deep cover scam I-have-a-sock-puppet-account-so-I-can-argue-about-abortion-on-twitter people, we say that we have the sock puppet do everything first because it makes them seem less like our sock puppet, but the real truth is it's to test the waters.

Don't know if you want to have a blog?  Have the sock puppet test it.
Don't know if you want to join twitter?  Have the sock puppet test it.
Don't know if you want to take a certain career path?  Have the sock puppet test it.
Don't know if you want to get married?  Have the sock puppet test it.

And once you've done all that you get the sock puppet account to follow your account thus giving you plausible reason why the sock puppet might come in ("I'm in her feed, she probably saw it there") make sure your account is the low-profile few-followers one, and you're set.

Except.  Except even as I drafted this confession the situation on the ground shifted.
It may be that I had it backwards on which profile was the sock account, but come on. They were the same person, it's obvious, good night.
Wait, I'm the fake one and the real one is from Texas?  MY LIFE IS A LIE!

Fuckity fuck, fuck, FUCK.

Ok, existential crisis here.  Let's back up a few posts.  Why is it so obvious?

I asked more or less that very question, what was the answer again?
same writing style, same level of obsession and "she" always makes several posts right after you.
The facts don't back that up at all but ohmygod omigod omagod he's RIGHT.

He may have had the accounts backward, but I am Ana's sock puppet.  Or at least I was.  "They were the same person," he says, does that mean we're not any more? Have I broken free into individuality?

What about my memories, my family, my life... my financial obligations?  Am I now debt free because until Thursday night I wasn't a real person and thus couldn't accumulate real debt?

-

But of course the truth is that you've only approached the edge of the rabbit hole, to truly understand you must come inside.

And that brings us to when Kristycat showed up.

Ana Mardoll:
, there's something and I have been meaning to tell you...
Kristycat:
...are you staging a coup and establishing an independent republic w/in the US?
DAMMIT YOU GUYS, you PROMISED you wouldn't do it without me!
Ana Mardoll:
*stubs toe in ground, looks guilty*
Kristycat:
*shakes head* What am I going to do with you?? See if I establish diplomatic relations when I conquer FL!
Me (to Kristycat):
It's not our fault, our hand was forced.
And then the three of us said things at about the same time:

Me (to Kristycat):
Additionally, it's not like there isn't time to make things right. We can still do it together. We can.
Kristycat (to me):
hmm? Do tell! How was your hand forced?
Ana Mardoll (to Kristycat):
Well, we were only at stage one (arguing on Twitter). Plenty of time to catch up. ;)
Three people talking at once makes the threads of conversation somewhat hard to follow, so I'm going to give up on that and just paraphrase where possible.

Ana pointed out that she and I much the same thing at much the same time (you'll understand why soon) regarding Kristy still being able to join in, Kristy's question about how our hand was forced was tabled for the moment so she could ask:
...wait, are we still talking about the coup?? 
Or the apparent merging into one hive-mind y'all got up to last night?
which... is this a thing now? Am I next on the list? Should I warn depizan?
Now here's the thing about merging into a hive mind: you expect that it will make everything go fast, but communication between the nodes can actually be rather slow.  So I mentioned that and said we were still talking about the coup as far as I knew, but I'd need to wait on the other pole of the hive for confirmation.  But in a way that fit into a tweet, you know.  Meanwhile

Ana Mardoll:
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. 
YOUR TWITTER DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN.
 Kristycat:
MEEEEEEP!!! But I like mah brainz! I wants to keep them for myself!!!
Silly kitten, brains are for sharing.  Anyway, remember that tabled question, finally got around to answering it once the hive mind got the other stuff off its hive.

So, how was our hand forced?

Me:

Merging into a hive mind was meant to make logistical coordination easier, but the key element was that surprise. 

So when @Addiego_Tweets revealed that in spite of all evidence we were the same person, plans had to be advanced.
So, now you know.

Well, there's also the spy cats.  And fighting literary crimes.  And the horror movie.  And so forth.

-

And there's the possibility that this is all another trick.  Like Ana being me, or me being Ana.  This could just be to throw you off your guard so that while you're looking out for spy hedgehogs attack porcupines get you.  Or maybe it's all to make you think that the Custard Initiative has been called off when it really hasn't.

#dundunDUN

22 comments:

  1. An old friend and I started casting my cats in a novel/children's tv show about spy cats. It was decided that Norton would be the Nick Fury of the spycat division, while Barbas would be the plucky comic relief.

    Also I have taught my phone to recognize "spycat" as a word.

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  2. Fun stuff. Also, if you guys have a way to be in Texas and Maine at the same time, maybe you can hook me up somehow. Can I mind-merge or body-hijack or something to hang out with Chris more? Or, I know, I can create a sock puppet to do it for me!

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  3. I'm sort of sad to see that he changed his mind and now YOU are the sock account, Chris. I was finding being a fake person very freeing.

    "Should I write that Tauriel post or watch another Fullmetal Alchemist? Eh, let Chris write the post, it's HIS blog now. Apparently."

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  4. Lonespark, I'm not QUITE sure the ins and outs of sock puppet relationships, but I would assume that Husband is you or you are him. I mean, you both have kids*, right? SO FLIPPIN' OBVIOUS.

    * His are college-age and one is about to graduate but c'mon. PoTAto, poTAHto.

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    Replies
    1. You say tomato I say SILENCE!

      Which Lonespark considered tweeting (from a show her kids watched) just proving the hive is expanding.

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    2. Well, I wasn't going to tweet it. I go on Twitter approximately never. Also I had a reply to Firedrake that disappeared.

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  5. The Slacktiverse Collective?

    Given the origins of this community, do I get to be Potentate of Europe?

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    Replies
    1. That depends. How good are you at reciting things in alphabetical order?

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    2. The Abominable Snowmen. The Ambassadors of Death. The Android Invasion. The Androids of Tara, Arc of Infinity, The Ark, The Ark in Space...

      (Women faint, strong men mop their brows.)

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    3. ...Warriors' Gate, Warriors of the Deep, The Web of Fear, The Web Planet, The Wheel in Space.

      (Meanwhile my minions have been quietly introducing universal health care and a basic living allowance. Eeevil!)

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  6. Wow, it's all so clear to me now. If I share an opinion with anyone I just have to be their sock puppet.

    My worry now is that I am the sock puppet of so many, many people. I don't just not exist, I plurally don't exist. Will I vanish in a puff of smoke or is worrying about vanishing enough of an "I think" that it necessarily entails an "I am"?

    I seem to be developing a headache. I wonder why.

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    Replies
    1. What if I'm someone's imaginary friend?

      What if I'm more than than one person's imaginary friend?

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  7. So, we're the sock drawer of the internet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *narrowly avoids snorting soda through nose*

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  8. Huh. Sock-puppet hive-minds who fight literary crime. Where can I sign up? XD

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  9. That... that is a thing of beauty. I, for one, welcome our new hive mind over-nodes. I would only ask to be included as node in a resource-rich point on the skein.

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  10. Oh no! Am I someone's sockpuppet too? I don't even have a Twitter!

    ---Redcrow

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  11. I'm still really working through this. Because I had a long-term plan for the next several years to go visit a bunch of slacktivites and ramblites around the US. Including Ana and possibly Kristy. But if my girlfriend actually is Ana, and exists simultaneously in both Texas and Maine, then...what? (Although the duality thing is cool. You're a particle and a wave! Or something.) (And Ana has pointed out that I must be Husband, whom I swear I've never met, and how can I not have met myself? What does that even mean? And my kids are simultaneously multiple ages, and...

    Also, for the record, I don't like custard. I do like cats. Perhaps I can feed my custard to the cats and all will proceed as planned.

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    Replies
    1. It would be the biggest event since Clark Kent and Superman shook hands.

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    2. I also don't like custard, for the record. But Kristy was looking forward to it.

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