Random Discussion of Monsters

[Sometimes you just have to have this conversation, because if one supernatural thing turns out to be real, why not others?]

Asker: “Zombies?”

Experienced Person: “As far as I know they don't exist.”

A: “Well that's a let down. Any other dreams you'd like to shatter?”

EP: “Vampires have no problems with the sun. It doesn't incinerate them, it doesn't show their true sparkly form, it doesn't reduce their power. It doesn't even give them a headache. Which is just wrong because bright sunlight gives me a headache and why should they have it easier?

“Werewolves transform into fairly average sized wolves, perhaps a little on the big side and certainly dangerous since wolves are nothing to be trifled with but nothing like the monsters of movies.

“Uh, what else is there?”

A: “Mummies.”

EP: “Just an embalming technique.”

A: “Tentacled gods from the depths.”

EP: “Suck at chess, have bad breath, and are generally unpleasant to be around.”

A: “You've played chess with one?”

EP: “Technically he was only a quarter god, and definitely was on the mortal side of the divide, but he was still quite slimy.

*pause*

“He brought his queen out early and under utilized his knights. Rookie mistakes all around really, which is odd because I think he was a hundred-a hundred and fifty years old. You'd think he'd have gotten better at it by then.”

A: “So you met a slimy betentacled demigod and played chess with him.”

EP: “There wasn't much else to do. The entrance to the cave had collapsed and we had to wait for someone to come by and dig us out.”

A: “There was a chess set in a cave?”

EP: “Yes. Why wouldn't there be?”

A: “Ok, we're getting side tracked. Frankenstein's monster?”

EP: “To my knowledge no one has ever successfully reanimated a corpse. It's not that hard to make one look like it's alive, but to actually bring one back to life? No.”

A: “Fungus that takes over your body and turns you into a slave?”

EP: “Yes.” *Pause* “Well, after a fashion.” *pause* "Sort of. And it's not that hard to cure if you know that's what you're dealing with.”

A: “Succubi?”

EP: “Human reproductive fluids are honestly not that important of a commodity in the demon economy. So, no.”

A: “Chupacabra.”

EP: “Well, there are things that suck goats. I suppose. If you want to look at it that way.”

A: “Bigfoot?”

EP: “Never met him.”

A: “Elves?”

EP: “I did meet a bunch of pale people with pointy ears and pan flutes in the woods that one time, but I'm still not convinced they weren't human.”

A: “Those things with the thing and the thing.”

EP: “Those are exactly like the stories say.”

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[Original Work]