Dear Windows,
When I gave you permission to
automatically download and install updates I do not remember giving
you to restart my computer without my knowledge or consent, I
definitely don't remember saying you could do that without saving
anything first.
I understand that you theoretically
give some kind of ten or fifteen minute warning but that is in no way
sufficient. It is, in fact, completely unacceptable.
Sometimes one steps away from a
computer, notices that there is snow outside that needs to be dealt
with, identifies it as the sort of light snow that can be dealt with
with a broom, and steps outside to deal with things only to discover
a giant block of compressed snow and ice about the size of an adult
human being curled up into a ball if that human were a giant has
found it's way into the middle of the sidewalk. Then, after failing
to budge it, gets a long sturdy piece of wood to use as a lever.
When the wood brakes it is obviously natural to realize that one
should check for knots before choosing which side to apply pressure
to. Stick switched the lever works and the giant block of ice become
separated from the ground.
Due to the postion of the ice the lever
is now useless as an aid and the only thing to do with the giant
block of ice is to roll it up a snow pile. Initial tries fail as the
ice is too heavy and the ground slipery enough for one's feet to slip
out from under them.
The snow pile is modified so that a
step now exists for the giant block of ice to be rolled onto, feet
again slip on the slippery ground. Much effort is expended. The ice
catches on the step. Much more effort. The ice is rolled upright.
It is stable. It is left there.
Sweeping resumes. The sidewalk is
cleared.
Once back inside it is discovered that
you restarted without so much as a pop up message asking if you could.
Damn.
It was not always thus. There was a
time when an automatically run update that required a restart would
be accompanied by a message saying something along the lines of:
This update
requires you to restart your computer, please select one of the
following:
[Restart now]
[Remind me later]
[I'll restart when
I'm good and ready, don't do a damn thing until then.]
That worked, and it worked well. I
have no idea why you changed it but it wasn't worth it.
This new, “I'll close every program
the moment you look away,” policy is not good or right or just. It
is not bringing sunshine and light into the world. Nor is it
bringing welcome shade or restful dark. It is instead restricting
itself only to the unlikable parts of the visual spectrum. If it
were a light it would be a harsh light that sears one's eyes, if it
were dark it would be the kind of dark that left one straining and
frustrated.
It's not good is the point.
Not everything that one does in a
session ought to be saved, many things, once done, need never be
returned to and so saving them is nothing more than a waste of space.
But that doesn't mean that ending the session in the middle is ok.
Just because something was never meant to be saved doesn't mean
consigning it to oblivion without the user's permission is ok.
Also, not everything can be saved.
Late last year my computer was engaged in deep religious meditation
that took days. Three days, if I remember correctly. The program
was running the entire time, and it was using so much by way of
resources that the computer could do little else. There was no way to stop it and save it's progress in the middle, it ran once beginning to end. In the end it
worked like a dream, though the input could have been better and thus
the output suffered as a result.
When I consider that even if your
attempt to restart without permission is caught and halted it can't
be delayed for more than four hours I shudder to think what could
happen any time a lengthy program is run.
To stop you from ruining that run I
would have either had to restrict the running of the program to the
hours I could watch over it and make sure to delay your destructive
impulses every four hours, which would have multiplied the length of
time the computer was occupied with that project unnecessarily, or I
would have had to wake up every four hours for the duration just to
tell you not to restart. Neither of those is a desirable situation
and I count myself as lucky that you didn't go on one of your
destructive sprees for the duration.
That you cannot conceive that a
computer might need to be used for more than four hours is absurd.
You are software. Running computers is what you do. Can you not
imagine yourself doing anything productive for more than four hours
straight?
I also note that you've been trying to
install the same four updates for months now. You kind of suck at
it. I hope they're not as critical as you claim because no matter
how many times my computer is restarted, with my permission or
without, you have yet to succeed in installing them.
-
I wonder if part of the problem with
our relationship is that you think I have nowhere else to go.
Someone I know and respect has recently switched to Mac. I do fear
for her because the last bug I heard about from the Mac side of the
computing world was more catastrophic than anything I've ever so much
as heard rumors of in windows, but the time that has passed since
then is evidence that, while the bugs may be apocalyptic in nature,
they appear to be rare. It might be like moving to somewhere with
occasional earthquakes to get away from the cold winters. It could
be conceivable.
I probably won't switch to Mac because
they don't seem to be nice people, they appear to be auditioning for
Big Brother, and I don't mean the TV show, they break their contracts,
their record on human rights makes me want to cry, and as near as I
can tell they're in favor of polio (only some of the previous
sentence is, strictly speaking, true) but I have other options.
Ten percent of the people who visit my
blog use Linux, perhaps I could look into that if you continue to be
unkind.
You seem to think that because I've
been using you for so long I can't make do on anything else. You're
wrong. You aren't my first. You aren't even my second.
When I was
young I used a Commodore 64. It's still around. It's in the basement
with the reel to reel player. If you don't shape up I'll hook it up,
plug it in, and find a way to hitch it to you and it can tell you
about how things were when it was your age. Do you really want to
hear that lecture?
The TI is down there too. You probably
think they just make calculators and components because you don't pay
attention.
You're young Windows, younger than me.
And that's saying something when it comes to computers. I will get
the older generation to come out of retirement and give you a talking to if I have to. And
don't think I lack the resources. I have floppy discs that are
actually floppy.
Back somewhere in your distant
memories, from older versions back before you were Windows 7, you should have some
vague recollection of what that means. Discs that go flop. Now think
about what it would be like spending all day, day after day, talking
to computers who thought that that's the height of external
storage. Think about all your shiny modern game technology, and then
imagine a long rambling speech about Donkey Kong from old Commodore and you with no choice but to listen to every word. (And remember how slow Commodore talks.) Because I'll do it.
I will make you listen to them.
And then, if you still don't shape up,
I'll dump you and get another operating system.
If it helps, on my Windows 7 computer (and my mom's, after this happened to her three or four times), I've managed to find a security options menu in the control panel that lets me choose "Don't even think about downloading or installing updates until I tell you to", at which point I can either do that when I'm ready to restart, or I can keep telling it not to ask me to restart indefinitely (though the fact that you can't put it off for more than four hours at a stretch is ridiculous).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, that's not to say Windows doesn't have some serious problems. But maybe this might help?
I pick the "download but don't install" option there (which saves time when I actually choose to do the installation part.) It's worked well to date on all my Windows computers (especially my work computer, where I *cannot* afford to have an unexpected restart.
ReplyDeleteLinux is much easier than people expect it to be. I like Debian.
ReplyDeleteWindows programmers are too often in the mindset where going a whole day without having to reboot is something to be celebrated.
If you need to give the thing a heavy duty chat, I can always send you my Z-X Spectrum. My old man spent enough time queuing for that piece of kit, even the iWhatever fans would shudder.
ReplyDeletePreach it.
ReplyDeleteChris, this brought a big grin to my face. I had a similar conversation with Windows a few months back when it rebooted when I was in the middle of a dozen things. Heather is right -- there IS a way to disable it -- but boy howdy do they hide it, and I'm sure the NEXT os update will hide it even better. *headdesk*
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully, as always. I'm in awe.
This is truly awesome and has me giggling at work. I love the idea of the Commodore giving the computer a talking-to, especially since the games were better then.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Windows is even more absurd when hooked up to a hard-core security system meant to protect nuclear secrets. I have a temptation to bring my computer over to NASA, where they still have tape and punchcard-based computers. (Seriously. I believe their opinion is "It works, and do you want to be the one to transfer that data?")