I'm scared.

Yeah, it's a post about money.  So the taxes are due the 11th, but if I can't pay for them, and it looks like it can't, then I have to let mother/landlord know a week ahead of time.  That's the fourth (or maybe fifth depended on exactly how "week" is parsed) which is two days.  Very much doubt the money will appear in two days.  I know I've thought this before, but at this point I really, really, really think that it's the case that anyone who was willing and able to donate to me has already done so to the point that the "able" no longer applies.

The thing about my mother being my landlord is that she's not going to kick me out of the house because I got a payment to her a bit late because: family.  But that doesn't mean that she's not going to kick me out of the house.  If I can't pay the expenses on the house then she has to (and then I hopefully reimburse her when I can) if she can't pay the expenses on the house ... well that's always been the possibility that leaves me without a home.

If the house can't be afforded then it needs to be gotten rid of.  It;s as simple as that.  That's part of why I (try to) cover the expenses.  The other part being that I'd rather not be an asshole in general or an asshole to my mom in particular.

The fact is that the expenses on a fully owned house with the mortgage paid are less than the cheapest apartments around (clearly the rent is too high) so if I can't keep up with the house expenses that means I certainly can't afford an apartment.  My options be come homelessness or moving in with family.  Only two family members could possibly take me.  Both of them are fine in small doses but fucking toxic to live with.  I don't know that you can really predict or quantify the effect that has on mental health, but I honestly think that between the choice of going off my meds or moving in with one of them, going off my meds would be the better option.  (And I fucking need my meds.)

But that wouldn't be the choice, the choice would be them or homelessness, and I don't like the idea of becoming homeless.

So the possibility of losing the house terrifies me.  It's not just that it's home, though it is, it's also that the alternatives are really really bad.

Back to landlord=mom.  Not being able to make the payment isn't cause for terror, it's cause for dread.  Not being able to make the payment when my mother also can't make the payment is cause for terror.

Will she be able to make the payment on the 11th?  Somehow.  Probably.  I hope.

But if she does have to make that payment then the impression I get is:

1. It'll hurt, financially.
2. It'll require arcane accounting and esoteric money juggling.
3. There's no way in hell she'll be able to cover the next payment when it comes due.

So I'm not scared that I'll lose my house on the 11th.  I'm scared that if my mom has to make the payment on the 11th and I don't pay her that money back fast then I'll lose the house when the next big non-monthly expense comes up.  Which I think is next month.  If I remember correctly the taxes are quarterly and the insurance is by trimester so since they coincided last time the insurance will come in a month later this time.

It'd be a process for sure.  Not, "expense problem, get out by sundown" but if the house can't be payed for it needs to be moved towards sale and part of that is me moving out.

So that's why I'm scared.

On the upside the oil payment finally went through.  That means that I can see how much money I actually have.

The other irregular expense was internet, which since it's by semester goes 9 months 3 months 9 months 3 months and so forth and took me the longest time to realize what it was doing.  The money that I actually have is about two dollars short of covering the cost of internet.  (Cost of internet for three months: $139.80.)  So that's good.  Cut me off from the internet and I'm ... I lack the words.  It's my lifeline, but that's not all it is.

Of course I still have the fucking 200 dollar hole every month.

So, I completely forgot about the fact that I've figured out how to look up the taxes online.  Now that I remembered, that means I can have an exact figure:

$657.72

Got it right the first time when I guessed before.  That's what makes me fear homelessness.  Of course if I paid that, and used the cash on hand for paying the internet, I'd still be faced with the perpetual $200 hole, but panicking about that can wait until the 20th at least.

Besides, that would just ruin by credit and get bill collectors hounding me, what's scaring me is the prospect of losing my house.

So, yeah, I'm scared.

Wanted to let that out.