If you try you end up looking at the letter so long that no arrangement looks correct and you lose the ability to proofread because every spelling of every word looks strange and foreign and wrong.
I left for my sister's birthday party, for today is the day of her birth, in a hurry after quickly transferring a post from Right Behind to here, a post that I still need to fix the formatting on because one does not simply copy and paste from exharpazo any more than one simply walks into Mordor. It takes three fucking books and they're not short ones.
I'd also let some people at Slacktivist know how to donate to me via paypal after talking about my money problems there.
Now, to be clear, it wasn't just people who'd never been here before.
I received seven donations ranging in size from ten dollars to, "Oh my fucking God, thank you, thank you, thank you, but are you sure that you didn't add an extra zero? You're sure? Thank you. Really, though, there's not an extra zero there?"
Is it cry, "Jubilee!" throughout the land and all debts are cancelled? No. I did not receive five figures worth of donations today.
But I am going to have to recalculate the figure on the side of the page that says how in debt I am, I am going to have to wrap my mind around the idea that I won't have to panic about interest being retroactively applied come the end of the year, I am going to be able to pay the bills still due this month, I am going to be able to get up to date on the house bills and, if I'm calculating things right, I should have just enough left over to be able to put oil in the tank.
Meaning that for once there's no catastrophe a little bit further down the line. My debts still suck, and will continue to suck up a large portion of my income. I'd still be screwed if I didn't have people giving me regular donations to make the alleged income the government thought I had, and penalized me for having, into an actual income. But, finally, the way forward looks clear.
I mean I still have to fix the damned washing machine, and who knows what else might go wrong, but there's nothing that was kicked further down the road waiting to come crashing down on me. And are you really sure that there wasn't an extra zero?
Actually I know it wasn't a mistake because I got an email about that one but it still feels to me like, "Really, are you sure? Are you sure you're sure?"
And I don't want to put too much emphasis on the shockingly big one because, you know what*, that ten dollars fucking helps.
Everything I laid out above, finally getting clear, being able to move forward without the fear that an accident of timing could cause everything to come crashing down, it all is a result of every single donation. Not just every one I got today. Every one that I've gotten ever. All of it led here and even one less and I wouldn't be able to say what I've said.
Maybe I'd be delinquent on one of the bills for this month, maybe I'd stay behind on the payments on the house since those are payments owed to family and there's wiggle room there as much as it pains me to use it, maybe I'd pay off what's in front of me and pray to the God of Abraham, and of Issac, and of Judah Maccabee that the heating oil didn't run out until I had enough to cover putting more in.**
But even one donation less, even the smallest one, and I wouldn't be in this hard to comprehend and very good place right now. Nothing wicked this way comes. Not at the moment.
And thanks. Thank you all so much.
Also, to the goddess Belldandy, your disciple honors you in word and deed. I have not seen the anime that is your gospel, but it must be good for today I have tasted the fruit of a seed it planted and good fruit does not come from bad seeds.***
* Damn it, question mark comma, where are you? My flavoring particle phrase requires me to be able to indicate a question without ending the sentence, God damn it.
** My sister once asked me how to convert to Judiasm after her heating oil lasted longer than it should have. It might sound silly or glib --and, in fairness, it is (appropriative as well)-- but heating oil is a matter of life and death and when it lasts longer than it has any right to it's a miracle that's a hell of a lot more practical than taking a stroll on water. (Though If I could walk on water I could take the hypotenuse and shave a lot of time off of the walk into the next city over to see my psychiatrist.)
*** Well, it can, but generally there had to be something in the seed that was good, and unless I'm presented with compelling evidence otherwise I'm going to assume that in this particular case the good fruit is direct evidence of a good seed.