Not unusual for someone with depression, I suppose, but that's the situation. I'm sad.
I'm not apathetic, I'm not in a state of dread or anxiety, I don't feel dead inside or hopeless. I'm just plain sad.
If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably a fairly normal level of sadness that people who have no experience with depression at all are quite familiar with.
So, in a sense, it's a perfectly healthy emotion to be having, the goal was never to be one of the shiny happy people who never had a down moment. The trouble is that there's no apparent reason for it.
I can't identify a source, I can't deal with it. And so I am sad and look to remain that way until, hopefully, just as inexplicably, my mood changes to something else. I could turn to introspection, but I know what that way lies.
You see I have a lot of things to be sad about, and if I try to tackle them all at once I'll be crushed beneath the weight of it all. I can't afford that right now. I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep.
I have two classes today that it would be nice to be ready for, and two classes tomorrow that I'm already behind in. On the one hand I'm sleeping better, not sure whether credit goes to the new sleep aid or one of my classics teachers promising to send Hypnos my way, either way I'll take it, on the other hand I'm still tired and motivation is still proving problematic.
Regardless, now is not the time to go search my soul for what is making me sad at the moment because I can't afford to be a sobbing wreck. Not right now. It would have been better if this sadness had arrived on Friday. I would have had time for it then. I could afford to waste the whole weekend since I didn't make any progress on anything anyway.
And so I'm sad.
I'm sad, I don't know why, and if I put any real effort into trying to find out why I'll find so many things that should make me said that I'll only get worse.
Sorry that I have no joy to share today.