Snarky Twilight - At the Nurse's

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Bella: You were right.
Edward: I usually am -- but about what in particular this time?
Bella: What?
Edward: I'm usually-
Bella laughs.
Edward: I am.
Bella: No you're not.
Edward: Yes, I-
Bella: You're never right.
*beat*
Bella: Name one time that you've been right.
Edward: Well there was the... and I... and then... um.
Bella: See?
Edward: (Spoken quickly, somewhere between desperate and triumphant) I said that you suffer more than you let on.
Bella: You mean when I was all, "Woe is me, Forks is Hell on earth, I am in soul crushing agony," because I moved to a cloudy place of my own free will? Yeah, it was so much worse than I was letting on. Hell on earth doesn't even begin to describe how horrible it is to get a free truck, have random people appear out of no where to support me when I don't even bother to hear their names, and become the most popular kid in school. The tortures of Cocytus don't even begin to compare to Forks. Judas comforts himself from his position of being gnawed on by Satan by telling himself, "Well at least I don't have it as bad as Bella Swan."
*beat* 
Bella: Oh yeah. You called that one perfectly.
Edward: Can we start over?
Bella: Sure. *pause* Ready?
Edward: Yes.
Bella: You were right this one time.
Edward: Hey!
Bella: If you don't get on message we're going to have to start over again.
Edward: Fine. About what was I right?
Bella: Sometimes ditching is healthy.
Edward: That was anticlimactic.
Bella: It wouldn't have been if you'd toned your ego down in the first place.
Edward: Whatever.
*silence*
Edward: You know you scared me.
Bella: God, I hope so.
Edward: I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods.
Bella: Just because you want to doesn't mean everyone does.
Edward: That's not fair, I don't.
Bella: Oh really, vampire breath? You're saying that you don't think about killing me.
Edward: Well...
Bella: Be honest.
Edward: I'd probably burn your body rather than bury it.
Bella: That's the first time I've every actually believed you were telling the truth. See, was that so hard?
Edward: Yes. Now where was I?
Bella: You were pretending Mike was just like you and he was dragging my body off into the woods for burial, which I note doesn't make any sense given that we weren't moving at the time. He wasn't even in a good position to drag.
Edward: So, commentary aside, we were a the part where I thought you were dead?
Bella: Yes.
Edward: Honestly -- I've seen corpses with better color.
Bella: Says the boy who looks like his face has never known sunlight.
Edward: You're calling me a troglodyte?
Bella: No. I would never insult cave dwellers so. I'm just saying you look like one.
Edward: Are you trying to make me kill you?
Bella: Are you so incapable of taking responsibility for your actions that if you kill me you'll honestly consider it my fault?
*pause*
Edward: I thought you were dead I thought Mike was dragging you off for burial in the woods.
Bella: Even though we weren't moving.
Edward: Even though you weren't moving.
*beat*
Edward: I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder.
Bella: Have to? Have? So even when you're killing Mike, it's still my fault.
Edward: I didn't say that.
Bella: No, you didn't. But you made damn sure to indicate it wasn't your fault.
Edward: Well I'm not just going to say, "Hi. I'm a bloodthirsty killer looking for any excuse to off someone."
Bella: Why not?
Edward: Well ... because you don't say things like that.
Bella: Even if it's true?
Edward: It's not true!
Bella: Could have fooled me.
Edward: I'm not interested in discussing- My spider senses are telling me that Mike is coming back with another patient. Get out now.
*Door opens*
Bella: Why would I- *sniffs* getting out now.
*They leave*
Edward: You actually listened to me.
Bella: Yeah, I need to stop doing that.

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