Medicine, and, of course, money. But mostly medicine.

At some point, two weeks ago maybe, I crossed some wires and thought one appointment was at the time of day that actually belonged to another appointment and so missed my appointment.

Then I realized that I wouldn't have enough antidepressants to make it to next appointment.

I think everything was ready in time for me not to miss a day, but (in spite of me specifically asking to be notified) no one told me that.

Cue today, off my antidepressants for a day and a half, being reminded, forcefully, by way of pain that the only medication that works is also the only medication that has ever given me withdrawal symptoms.

I wondered if there was a list somewhere.  There is:

Commonly reported symptoms include flu-like symptoms (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, sweating), sleep disturbances (insomnia, nightmares, constant sleepiness). Sensory and movement disturbances have also been reported, including imbalance, tremors, vertigo, dizziness, and electric-shock-like experiences in the brain, often described by sufferers as "brain zaps". Mood disturbances such as dysphoria, anxiety, or agitation are also reported, as are cognitive disturbances such as confusion and hyperarousal.

In spite of sounding like it might be nice, "hyperarousal" means "fight-or-flight" state of mind.

So, let's see, headaches, sweating, imbalance sometimes, dizziness, vertigo, electric shock like experiences in the brain, mood disturbances, and sleep disturbances.  Surely that's enough to hit bingo.

"Brain zaps".  Never heard that one before.  Good term.  Maybe other medications have given me withdrawal symptoms and they were simply extremely limited in scope because I have a long history with brain zaps.  Then again I think prolonged sleeplessness and dehydration will bring them on in me (no medication discontinuation needed), so maybe not.

But I got my meds today and the withrawal ends really fucking quick.  Not quick enough, but by tomorrow or the day after I'll be back to normal.

Here's the problem: this wasn't a usual perscription, it was a stopgap.  So, apparently, the usual "prior authorization" thingy didn't apply.  Additionally it's the weekend and insurancey people aren't opened (fuckers) so, here's the deal.

This should have cost three dollars.  This did cause one hundred eleven dollars and thirty three cents.  Not making that suspicious-looking figure up: $111.33.  It would have looked even better if they'd discounted it 22 cents for aesthetic purposes.

I'm trying to get thousands of fucking dollars for house and school.  I didn't need to be put another hundred behind.

Especially since that 3 dollars is a flat rate (which is awesome, I say Medicaid for all) so normally I get three and a half times as many pills ($389.65 worth, maybe a penny more) for three dollars.

So this many pills normally costs me 86 cents, instead it cost 113.33 fucking dollars.

Still, tomorrow withdrawal should be over.  Fun.

Oh, really fun fact, that's the generic.  God only fucking knows what the damned brand name version costs.  If you want to know what Mainecare (Maine state Medicade) has done for me, consider that the generic didn't even exist when I started taking this and it is, again, the only medication that has ever worked even a little.  (And it works really well.)

Even something as simple as getting not-off my meds gives me money worries.  (Had to use a credit card that I had recently paid the fuck off and didn't want to get into interest bearing debt on it again until I was far enough out of interest bearing debt to have money to pay for things other than fucking interest.)