Thoughts and dialog on the Star Trek Voyager episode that doesn't exist

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Will Wildman (in response to a third, italicized, party):

Also, I had another nightmare where I was watching Star Trek: Voyager and saw Janeway and Tom Paris de-evolve into giant newts.

If I recall that particular mass hallucination correctly, it wasn't even de-evolving, but in fact super-evolving, moving ahead along humanity's future evolutionary path... or something? Whatever. They should have just said that Tom crashed his ship into Yog-Sothoth and the rest of the story was Lovecraftian horror. They were already on the right track.

[Myself, originally in response to Will Wildman but quickly shifting into Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy references and fullblown rant:]

I forgot that I was going to respond to the mass hallucination bit as well.

Indeed they didn't de-evolve. They evolved at hyperspeed into salamanders with sticks coming out of their noses. Because Paris traveled a infinite speed thus...

Oh My God. I've got it.

Paris traveled at infinite speed thus passing through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. You select your own reentry point. Be the envy of other major governments.

Janeway: So he passed through all of the universe but only saw things we would care about and only picked up data from areas relevant to our lives?
Tores: Yes.
Janeway: And of all of the places he could possibly come out he came out near us?
Tores: Yup.
Janeway: So put that together and we get an improbability factor of ... well it's pretty vast, but it's not infinite. What point did he actually reach?
Tores: Infinite improbability.
Janeway: Which leaves us a pretty vast improbability gap still to be filled!
Doctor: I've successfully managed to use the computer to project the path of human evolution into the distant future.
Tores: That's impossible.
Doctor: No. Just very, very improbable.
Janeway: And why are you telling us this?
Doctor: Because Paris is rapidly following that path even though it makes no sense for him to do so.

Later:

Janeway: Tores, is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use Warp 10?
Tores: Very probably I'm afraid.
Janeway: Dismantle the prototype. Let us never speak of this again.

--

Or something like that.

The Doctor fracking projected the path of evolution. Not compared Tom's mutations to tissue samples from various time travelers in order to see that the early stages appeared to be consistent with Tom's body inexplicably unaccountably adapting itself to be consistent with members of the human race in increasingly distant time periods. No. He just looked at the computer and projected the path of human evolution. Evolution does not work that way.

And even if it did, why would becoming unstuck in space cause Tom to start to resemble the platonic ideal of human in the future in which we're salamanders with sticks in our noses? Wouldn't that be something for Tom becoming unstuck in time. It still wouldn't make sense ("Captain I traveled to the year nine billion and now my body is magically changing to resemble our descendants from 9 billion years in the future") but it would be a kind of nonsense that at least had some sort of method to it. He would start to resemble future humans because he went to the future. Nonsense, but nonsense that isn't as immediately WTF producing as, "He's starting to resemble future humans because he's traveled widely."

AND ANOTHER THING:

Janeway: We have a shuttle which can go anywhere in the universe in no time flat. It has the unfortunate side effect of mutating people into salamanders but the process can be easily reversed.
Chakotay: Some of you have suggested that we send people back home, a few at a time, along with all of the information necessary to reverse the mutations. That way we could all get home in a matter of days with no ill effects.
Janeway: Others have suggested that we place the shuttle on autopilot and use it to send messages back home, trade information, and possibly supplies. Thus completely changing our situation for the better.
Chakotay: And to all of this we have one simple response:
Janeway: What are you, nuts?
Chakotay: We didn't come up with a foolproof way to transport people, supplies, and information to and from the alpha quadrant because we wanted to actually use it.
Janeway: That would be absurd.
Chakotay: We did it so that we could demonstrate that future humans might not be the bright shining energy beings of enlightenment and prettiness everyone thinks they will.
Janeway: And then abandon those future humans on a planet in the wrong quadrant so that they can fend for themselves and inbreed.
Chakotay: Get with the program, people. We are not going home.
Janeway: We're making stupid and contradictory points about evolution that make no sense. Not even if you're on drugs.
Chakotay: That is all.
Janeway: You're free to go until the next time I put the ship at risk in order to get coffee.

-

That was not meant to go on for nearly so long. I seem to have strong feelings about things that don't exist.